How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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