Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
