You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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