I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
