im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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