I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
