i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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