I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
