oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
