we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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