mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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