hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
In America we eat man semen.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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