Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
