I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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