Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
