Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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