When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
