A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
