WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
