I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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