Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
