From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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