stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
