hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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