Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
