if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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