I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
