end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
