wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
