just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
