never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
