Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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