we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
