i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
