What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Randomize
