You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
