I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize