Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
