i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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