There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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