The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
