my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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