I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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