So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
