Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
