Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
