I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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