I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
