Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We left an ass print on the piano.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
