im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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