so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
