mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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