best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
