I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Your tits are I can't wait for
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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