I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
