omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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