If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
This house was built for laser tag.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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