We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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