Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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