I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
