And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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