chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Screwed.edu
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
